Thirty years and three things I've learned

It’s hard to believe, but 30 years ago today Anne and I exchanged marriage vows.  I wish I could tell you that it has been an easy 30 years or 30 years of bliss but that wouldn’t exactly be accurate.  The truth is that it’s been a hard run in many ways.  We didn’t date very long when we married--we dated two weeks and I asked her to marry me-- and we would have married in about a month; but my parents were out of the country, and they told me they would be extremely upset if we married without them present.  So we waited another two months.  The reality is we didn’t know each other and as it turned out, we were very different.  They say opposites attract, and that must have been what happened to us, because it wasn’t long into the marriage that those differences became pronounced. 

But a bigger hurdle to overcome was probably unrealized expectations.   You may think, as the stereotype would go, that Anne came to our marriage with grandiose expectations for marriage but by her own testimony she really didn’t have any.  It was I who had a head full of expectations.  Ever since I was a young seventeen-year-old I had longed to find the woman who would walk through life with me as my wife, and I had a dream of what that would look like.   Unfortunately, our marriage was different than the imaginings I had anticipated, and reconciling my dreams with reality was hard.

So we had ups and downs in marriage.  There were some good times but there were many where we struggled greatly.  I remember one year when heading to the SBC Convention in New Orleans, I left Anne crying because our relationship was so difficult.  God used my brother to open my eyes to some really detrimental attitudes and practices I was employing in my marriage and God radically changed in my heart upon my return.  We went to counseling numerous times in our marriage seeking help and though we’d often fall back into trouble, I think counseling helped every time. 

During our marriage God blessed us with six incredible kids that both of us adored.  We had three boys and three girls and I often said that God gave us the “Brady Bunch”-- boy-girl, boy-girl, boy girl.  We did our best to raise them to love the Lord Jesus and love each other.   Anne and I never “fought.”  By that I mean we were both raised in homes where our parents never yelled at each other, and that had never been our practice either.  In spite of our struggles, we weren’t openly combative and I believe that our kids felt relatively secure in our relationship.

We are now celebrating 30 years of marriage and I believe one of the reasons we managed to make it this far was the fact that we came to our marriage with a no-divorce policy.  When we got married we were committed to no divorce.  I don’t believe we ever talked about divorce, as we were committed to not even using that as a bargaining chip.  I wish I could tell you divorce never entered my heart, but that would not be true.  There came a time in my life when I gave up on our marriage and I wanted out.  If not for my fear of hurting my children, my church family and my Savior, Jesus, I most likely would have. 

With Anne's permission, I’d like to share with you three vital truths we’ve learned experientially in the last three decades.  Maybe you’ve been blessed with a fulfilling marriage, with little or no troubles, then most of this won't really apply.  Thank God for such a blessing.  But if like Anne and I you have had your struggles, maybe you will find this helpful.  

First, never think it can’t happen to you.  No one goes into marriage expecting anything but marital bliss; no one expects to fail or be anything but very happy.  The legendary myth was that one out of every two marriages fail but we now know that is just a statistic that was passed on and on without any basis in statistical analysis.  But the truth is still too many marriages fail, probably closer to one in four, but the reality is that no marriage is fail-proof.  When Anne and I were married the premarital counselor told us that we would probably struggle; I remember thinking how ludicrous that notion was.  Not us!  Never!  He didn’t know what he was talking about but even before the honeymoon to OBX was over, the cracks in our fail proof marriage were showing.  I never would have believed we'd struggle before the ceremony—no one could have convinced me-- but two sinful people are always in jeopardy of failing, including Anne and I, and including you.

Second, if you quit investing in your marriage, or in any relationship for that matter, it will not stay the same.  It will begin to degenerate and there will come a time when it is no longer ok to just be there but uninvolved.  When I quit investing in our relationship, Anne and I slipped further and further apart and eventually there came a time when I wanted out of my marriage.   Relationships are always built on people giving and receiving; if one stops that process, the relationship dies—it doesn’t stay the same—there is no neutral zone.

Third, marriage is what sustains love; love doesn’t sustain marriage.  That was Detrick Bonheoffer’s conviction and I’ve discovered it to be true.  I know that love is really much more than feelings, but let me talk about feelings of love for just a minute.  I believe that romantic love is important, we see it portrayed for us in the Bible in the Song of Solomon, but it's only a part of marriage.  Today we live in a culture when the emotions of romantic love and happiness are the highest ideals in marriage.  The Supreme Court just ruled that marriage is all about romantic love; gender and children are immaterial to marriage.  The problem is that if you make romantic love the highest goal in marriage, when you lose those feelings of love your marriage is in danger of ending.  So many divorces happen because people fall out of love and they are no longer happy.  A common cry of our day is, “I just want to be happy,” and when our spouse doesn’t make us happy anymore, the marriage ends. 

However a study by the National Survey of Families and Households found that 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier. Most say, they’ve become very happy indeed. In fact, nearly three-fifths of those who said their marriage was unhappy in the late ’80s and who stay married, rated this same marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” when interviewed again in the early 1990s.  Here's the point, if couples will stay married they can often find a way to work through the difficult times; I found that to be true.  My commitment to Jesus and his view of marriage, kept me from bailing on Anne and today we’re recovering the love that had grown emotionally cold.  

Now, before I leave this post someone might be saying, "Wonderful, I'm glad your marriage turned around and you guys are doing better but that can never happen for us."  Or someone else might be thinking, "This gives me hope but I don't even know where to begin."  Truly I can relate to both those thoughts-- I understand them clearly.  I don't mean to imply that any of what I've written is easy or without pain and much sacrifice.  I'd say that most of us who struggle need a third party to listen and help us sort through impasses that come along.  But the key to change, the first step to making it different, goes back to the second thing I learned: I can't choose to stay disconnected, unwilling to invest, and expect the marriage to change for the better.  Such a disconnected stance will only lead to the absolute disintegration of the marriage.  So the turn around that happened to us can happen to you, and the place to begin is to recommit yourself to invest.  Forgive the past and press into the future.  I know it's hard, but open yourself back up to give, to feel and even to be hurt again.

As Anne and I begin this fourth decade as a married couple, we're hopeful for all that lies ahead.  This morning Anne wrote me a note and I want to share with you the last paragraph: "But we have had some good times!  We have been together 10,950 days; We have been pregnant 1,596 days; We have been to 30 beach vacations; Been to Alabama about 50 times; Eaten about 21,900 meals together.  Well...you get it.  We have done a lot together.  Let's hang out together 30 more years.  Let's laugh more.  Go more places.  See more things.  Love each other better.  Let's make the last 30 the best!  I love you forever!"   We really have no idea all that God has in store for us in the years to come.  I know we're hopeful for more daughters-in-law and sons-in-law, and we're both looking forward to the grandparent years.  We're even entertaining the idea of foster parenting and one day going to the nations as missionaries in our retirement.  So many possibilities lie ahead of us in the years to come and of this one thing I'm confident, Jesus kept us by His grace and He will surely keep us 'til the end!

Why Praying Together Matters!

I don’t know if you’ve every thought about why praying together is so important.  After all, God knows everything so why pray?  Besides, we often pray and God says “no” so why should I get up a bit earlier on Sunday and invest an hour praying with other believers?  Glad you asked!  Let me give several reasons.

First, the earliest of believers did just this; they met together to pray.  Just read through the book of Acts and you will see it was a common practice.   Now I know that just because they did it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to but in this case they were on to something.  Let’s continue.

Second, Jesus seems to imply there is something special in praying with other believers. "Whenever two of you on earth agree about anything you pray for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, I am there with them (Matthew 18:19-20 TEV). There seems to be special grace in praying with other people, which may explain why the early church was so given to it.

Third, God says that He often limits what He does to be in response to our prayers.  What that means is that there may be things God would do if we would but ask Him.  James, the brother of Jesus, instructed us, “You have not because you ask not.” (4.2) So maybe this is why they met so often to pray together.

We meet every Sunday morning from 8-9 a.m.  Consider joining with us next Sunday. 

Charleston and Your Call to Forgive

This past week brought with it unthinkable evil as Dylann Roof murdered in cold blood nine brothers and sisters from Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, SC. after spending an hour with them in a prayer meeting.  It’s hard to fathom that a young man could participate in a prayer meeting and then callously shoot fellow human beings at point blank range.  But as evil as that was, I don’t want us to miss the Christ-likeness of others from their church family.   South Carolina law gave family members the right to address the accused killer and they did, but instead of spewing hatred and venom back at the perpetrator, many of them expressed to him forgiveness.  The secular media picked up on this and obviously it is hard for them to understand how such a thing could be possible.  How could relatives and fellow church family members offer forgiveness to the man who had just days before brutally and viciously killed the ones they loved?  The answer is, only Christ can do that for us.  I commend our brothers and sisters for it seems their very first response was to offer forgiveness.

Maybe you are struggling with un-forgiveness.  A family member, a friend, or maybe someone you don’t even know did something to hurt you and you can’t forgive--you can’t get over it.  Your heart is filled with bitterness and anger and if you could, you might put an end to their lives for what they did to you.  How do you forgive even as members of the Emanuel AME church forgave Dylan Roof?

You are able to forgive when you truly understand forgiveness.  To forgive means to release, to let go.  When someone hurts us or offends us, our natural response--I would even say our sinful response--is to hurt back.  It is to recoil in anger and bitterness and hate the person that has hurt us.  We want vengeance; we want to unleash on them the same pain they caused us.  To forgive is to freely and wholeheartedly reject that hatred, anger, bitterness and desire to hurt back and instead to willingly let it go.  Ultimately forgiveness carries with it the heart’s desire for reconciliation.  Where the sin and the hurt brought destruction, we want there to be healing.  Forgiveness is to reject this natural hatred and desire for revenge that arises in us when we are hurt by others.

You are able to forgive when you understand how much God has forgiven you.  When I know the depravity of my own heart and my own need of forgiveness from Holy God; and when I know how much God has forgiven me in Christ, I am able to extend the grace of forgiveness to others.   Yes, what others have done has hurt you and angers you, but what you did also hurt God and offended your Creator, the one who loves you.  God’s love was so great that He was willing to sacrifice Himself for you— to bear in His own body and life your sin and your death.  When you and I realize to what great extent God went to forgive us in Jesus, we are able to offer that same forgiveness to people who have hurt and offended us.

You are able to forgive when you trust that forgiveness isn’t an act of feelings, but instead an act of the will.  Forgiveness isn’t about emotionally feeling wonderful about the person who hurt you; it’s about choosing by an act of your will to let go, to release them.  I don’t know about you, but my emotions can be all over the place; and though I think God wants me to rule over my emotions, it’s hard to say to myself, don’t feel that way.  Forgiveness isn’t emotionally driven.  I don’t offer forgiveness because I feel it.  Instead I offer forgiveness as a choice I make regardless of how I feel.  One of our Charleston sisters said about Dylann, 'I’m angry, I’m hurt, but I forgive you.'  If we always waited on feelings there is much we wouldn’t do.  Many of us wouldn’t go to work, and we wouldn’t do needed chores.  Fortunately, forgiveness is an act I can choose.  This doesn’t mean that I choose it one time and I’m done.  I’d say we may have to choose it day after day for quite some time, but choose it we can.

You are able to forgive when you understand that God enables you by His Spirit to actually forgive those who have hurt you.  You have a sinful nature that is bent toward anger and revenge, but you also have a new nature that is like God’s and you have His Spirit who is empowering you to live not by that old nature but the new.  You may find it impossible to forgive on your own but you can when empowered by God’s Spirit.  Ask for God’s help and then, as an act of your will, release the one who has hurt you.

You are able to forgive when you realize there is a God who will bring justice.  How incredible it would be for Dylann Roof to experience the salvation that you and I know and the regeneration and restoration that comes from receiving Christ! His hatred would be erased, replaced instead by love for people of all skin colors and races.  He would become gentle and kind, and a man filled with humility and repentance for what he’s done.  But Dylan may not come to know Christ and one day he will answer to God as His ultimate judge.  This is equally true of the ISIS men who killed the twenty-one Christian men on an isolated beach in Libya.  The secularist has no ultimate justice in his or her worldview, but that worldview is not the truth; the truth is "it is appointed for man once to die and then the judgment.”  And furthermore, even in this life God has given the government the right to enact justice.  If tomorrow Dylan were to become a redeemed child of God, I’m convinced that human justice requires that he forfeit his life for what he has done.  In forgiveness we are not saying men are not responsible; we are saying that we will entrust their judgment to the government and ultimately to God. 

You are able to forgive when you realize that forgiveness is not optional for us as Christ-followers.  Jesus called us to forgiveness over and over.  He pointed to the great debt that we owed God which was forgiven in Christ; and then said, "If you will not forgive those who have offended you, neither will your Father in heaven forgive you."  When he taught us to pray he said pray like this, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us."  Some one has said, “To err is human, to forgive is divine.”  We are never more like our Heavenly Father than when we are willing to forgive those who have deeply hurt us by their sin.  Don’t put forgiveness on the back burner; it’s not an elective.

So if you are having a hard time forgiving someone in your life, be encouraged--you can forgive!  God wills it and God empowers it through His own Spirit.  There’s always help in the body of Christ.  Share your need to forgive with someone you trust and let them pray with you.  I once heard that bitterness is the only poison we swallow and expect the other person to die.  Let go of your anger, your bitterness, your un-forgiveness and let God release you to experience a peace that surely has been alluding you through un-forgiveness.  

The Infrastructure of Marriage: Ten Pillars that Support Marriage in the Storms of Life

In 1906 a 7.6 magnitude earthquake hit San Francisco when the San Andreas Fault buckled under extreme pressure.  More than ¾ of the buildings were destroyed.

In February of 2010 Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive estimated that 250,000 residences and 30,000 commercial buildings collapsed or were severely damaged when the Haiti earthquake devastated their land.

The magnitude 7.8 earthquake that hit Nepal last month pulverized homes and historic buildings.  

Collapsed buildings caused about three-quarters of all earthquake fatalities during the 20th century and they continue to post the most serious earthquake risk in most cities, according to the 2001 Global Earthquake Safety Initiative report.

Here’s the point; when the land underneath you begins to shake, it’s the infrastructure of a building that will keep it from collapsing.  Jesus once told a story about two men who built two houses; one built on the sand, the other on a rock and when the storm hit the one home on the rock survived and the other collapsed.

Not to be too melodramatic, or too metaphorical, but every marriage will be accosted by storms; Every marriage will be hit by an earthquake, a hurricane, even a tornado. It is the infrastructure that will keep that marriage standing through the storm.  I'm going to suggest that there are at least ten pillars that give structure and support to marriage; ten pillars that will sustain a marriage when pressure comes.  And unfortunately, pressure will always come. 

PILLAR #1 - MARRIAGE IS A GOD THING!

Here’s what I mean by that.  Marriage is the creation and gift of God.  It’s not a man made institution. 

Gen. 2:21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones,
 And flesh of my flesh;
 She shall be called Woman,
 Because she was taken out of Man.”

God saw that it was NOT good for man to be alone so He created woman from man. God fashion Eve for Adam.  Marriage is a God thing!

Max Lucado expressed that this way: “God created marriage.  No government or subcommittee envisioned it.  No social organization developed it.  Marriage was conceived and born in the mind of God.”

Why is this my starting structural pillar?  This is the foundation!  Because if marriage is the brain child and gift of God, then He alone has the right to define the rest of its structure.

PILLAR #2 - MARRIAGE IS A COMPLEMENTARIAN THING!

God created us male and female thus marriage was created complementarian;

Gen. 1:27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28 God blessed them;

In case you didn’t notice, men and women were made by God to compliment each other.  They compliment each other sexually, which is the most obvious, but they compliment each other in other ways as well—especially as it relates to raising children.  Kids need a dad and a mom because both genders bring things to the kids that they need.  Even secular social scientist are acknowledging this truth.

God fashioned Eve to be a helpmate for Adam, and I would say he made Adam to be her helpmate as well.  Marriage as God designed it is complimentary; this has always been God’s structure for marriage.

Thus two men cannot marry; two women cannot marry for they are not complimentarian.  Whatever two men or two women may call their relationship, it is not marriage.

PILLAR #3 - MARRIAGE IS A BINARY THING!

God did not create marriage truples or marriage quadruples.  He didn’t create marriages of one husband and multiple wives and just because men in years gone by corrupted what God created doesn’t erase that truth.  Marriage was between two people—it was binary—not polygamous.

Gen. 2:24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

I believe there is coming a day in the not so distant future when the definition of marriage will be expanded to include more than just two—but as I said just a moment ago—whatever you call a truple or any other polyamory relationship, it is not marriage.  Marriage is binary and complementarian.

PILLAR #4 - MARRIAGE IS A COMPLETION THING!

A man and A woman will join in marriage and they shall become ONE flesh.  That is a mystery but God says that when a man and woman marry, there is completion that takes place where the two become one.

As God recognizes from the start—its not good for man to be alone—he needs a partner—he needs one to complete him.

Man’s aloneness didn’t take God by surprise.  In His creative process, God from the beginning was planning on creating man in his image as male and female to complete one another in marriage.  Why didn’t he just make us that way from the start?  Why make Adam wait?  Why make Eve from Adam?  The obvious answer is to teach us.  To teach us at least one of the purposes of marriage; to complete us; to partner us; to companion us in this walk of life. 

I have to say something to the singles here—To some God gives the gift of singleness.  However this "completion" thing works, Jesus is able to complete us in Himself.  I believe we can all say that Jesus completes us spiritually.  But so many singles I know don’t want to be single.  They long for the person who will be "one" with them.  I understand that desire—I had it for seven years before marrying.  If you find yourself wanting to be married, wanting to be "one" with another person, trust God until that person comes along.  Let Jesus meet that need with Himself.  Don’t marry just to marry as many have discovered, it's better to be single than to be married to the wrong person.

PILLAR #5 - MARRIAGE IS A FRUITFUL THING!

Gen 1:28 God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” 

Marriage was always meant to be God’s means of filling the earth with people.  One of the clear and compelling purposes of marriage is the procreation of children.  God desired that in the safety and nurture of a loving marriage, children would be raised to know Him and love Him.

Malachi 2:15 says, "Didn’t God create you to become like one person with your wife? And why did he do this? It was so you would have children, and then lead them to become God’s people."

In Jeremiah 29, when Israel will be uprooted from their homeland and taken in exile, God says, “I want you to keep having children and grandchildren.  Don’t stop having kids.”

Children are a blessing from the Lord.  Yes marriage is about the couple, the two of you, but it’s not just exclusively about the two of you.  It’s also about the children. 

PILLAR #6 - MARRIAGE IS A PERMANENT THING!

Jesus was once asked about divorce.  The growing prominence of the “for any reason" divorce teaching triggered the question:  “Is it ok to divorce for any cause?”

Jesus answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Marriage was always meant to be a permanent relationship.  Jesus adds the words, “What God joins together, let not man separate.” 

Malachi 2:16 For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel.  The author of marriage says He hates divorce.  Divorce was never meant to be a part of His plan.  If I had to guess, one of the reasons God hates divorce is because of what it does to the children.

The religious leaders of Jesus day then asked him, “Then why did Moses give us divorce?”  Jesus’ answer was 'because of the sinfulness of man.'  Divorce came about because of our sinfulness, our fallenness; it was never in the perfect plan of God.

PILLAR #7 - MARRIAGE IS A TEMPORARY THING!

Whoa you say! You just said it was permanent.  It is permanent in this life but it comes to an end with death.  Thus we always say at a wedding ceremony, “Until death do us part.”  In Romans 7 Paul says that at death people are released from the vows of marriage.

In an exchange with Jesus, the Sadducees are trying to make Jesus look a bit ignorant when they set up this situation where, according to the OT Levitical law, a woman marries seven brothers.  They ask, whose wife will she be in the resurrection? 

Luke 20:34-35 - Jesus said to them, “The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage.

With our death our permanent marriages in this life will end.  Some of you are saying “Hallelujah!”  Just kidding!  Did you know that the University of Chicago conducts a yearly survey asking married couples if they are "very happy, pretty happy or not happy" and every year consistently, 97% of marriages are "pretty happy to very happy!"  That should be an encouragement to us.

Marriage is temporary, for this life only.  It is not eternal as some assert.

PILLAR #8 - MARRIAGE IS AN INTIMATE THING!

If we go back to the creation of Adam and Eve we read; Gen. 2: 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Marriage was from the beginning always meant to be the place for physical intimacy.  And that intimacy is what leads to the procreation of children; we’ve already noted that marriage is to be a fruitful thing.

But God would definitely want us to know that physical intimacy isn’t just about having kids.  The Song of Solomon was not allowed to be read by Jewish men until they were married or in their 20’s.  It’s a book about the sexual intimacy between King Solomon and his Shunamite wife.  Here's a rather tame passage from that book: 

SOS 4:9 My bride, my very own,
 you have stolen my heart!
 With one glance from your eyes
and the glow of your necklace,
 you have stolen my heart.  10 Your love is sweeter than wine; 
the smell of your perfume
 is more fragrant than spices. 11 Your lips are a honeycomb;
 milk and honey
 flow from your tongue.
  Your dress has the aroma
 of cedar trees from Lebanon. 12 My bride, my very own,
 you are a garden,
 a fountain
 closed off to all others.

In the New Testament, the apostle Paul speaks of physical intimacy as the culmination or the expression of becoming “one flesh.” But I’m going to interject here that marriage is NOT just to be a place of physical intimacy—it’s definitely that-- but it is also to be a place of emotional intimacy as well.

What exactly is emotional intimacy? Someone once defined it as "INTIMACY—INTO ME  SEE!"  Emotional intimacy is trust and communication between you and your spouse that allows you both to share your innermost selves.  Emotional intimacy is when we feel wholly accepted, respected, and trusted in the eyes of our mates so that we share our innermost feelings, struggles and failures.

In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes eloquently about emotional intimacy; "We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhuman when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

Notice Solomon says, “a garden, a fountain, closed off to all others.”  Intimacy can only flourish in exclusivity.   Solomon didn’t live that but that doesn’t take away from him expressing what was true.  Thus God says He will judge those who are unfaithful in marriage.  Adultery is a grievous sin. 

PILLAR #9 - MARRIAGE IS A LOVE THING!

Love is one of the most misunderstood words today. I often hear people say they don’t love their spouse anymore. I know what they mean by that—the feeling of love has gone.  I don’t want to minimize that; in fact I’ll suggest the intimacy I was talking about earlier is related to those “in love” feelings.  Nothing will keep that “in love” feeling alive more than conveying value to one another and when you give and serve one another because you love them you are adding fuel to the “lovey dovey feelings” and that’s a good thing!

But as important as the feeling of love is, love is so much more than a feeling. Love is a decision – it is an act of our will to prefer one another as more important than ourselves even when feelings are NOT there.

Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage says, “In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Marriage is a love thing but love is much more than a feeling thing.  Here’s what love is:  1 Cor.13:4 Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. 5 It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs.  6 Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. 7 It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up.

Western culture tells us that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love.  That is why there are so many divorces—people stop feeling loving feelings so they stop acting with mutual sacrifice for one another.  Their actions are feeling driven.  The Bible says your actions drive your feelings.  Act with mutual love and sacrifice; feelings will always follow.

Detrick Bonheoffer said, “It is not love that will sustain the marriage; it is the marriage that will sustain the love.” 

Your emotions can’t be commanded—can’t be dictated--but your actions can.  If we will act in mutual love and sacrifice for each other, our feelings will always follow.

PILLAR #10 - MARRIAGE IS A MODELED THING!

In Ephesians 5 Paul tells us that when he speaks of marriage, it has been modeled for us in God’s relationship with the church.

Eph. 5:28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 

Specifically Paul says that Christ's love for us models for us the kind of love a husband is to have for his wife.  I don’t believe I am contradicting God’s Word when I say that is the kind of love a wife is to have for her husband as well.  We  are to love each other as Christ loved us.  And how did Jesus love us?  He gave His all for you—He sacrificed himself preferring you and me over himself.

One more time listen to Tim Keller:  "We must say to ourselves something like this: 'Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think "I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me." No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He said, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing." He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse.' Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.”

Jesus modeled for us the sacrificial love that marriage demands.  He modeled for us what it means to love.

I'm sure more could be said about the infrastructure that builds up and holds a marriage in tact.  The truth is, the heart and flesh of a marriage is found in the every day living out these things and more in a practical way.  But maybe something in this post has challenged your heart.

If you’ve thought of redefining marriage in light of the cultural shift going on today.  Please don’t.

More pointedly in your personal life, maybe you’ve giving up on your marriage.  Maybe you’ve stopped loving, stopped investing, choosing instead just to endure or you are planning and hoping to leave.  Will you decide today to change that?  Will you choose instead to let God shore up your marriage infrastructure?

Two hours with Dr. Ewart

Yesterday Dr. John Ewart was gracious to give me two hours of his time.  Dr. Ewart has pastored numerous growing churches and today is Associate Vice President for Global Theological Initiatives, Dir. Southeastern Center for Pastoral Leadership and Preaching and Associate Professor of Missions and Pastoral Leadership at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.  Last fall I had asked Dr. Ewart to help us as a church in that for some time now I've felt we needed some outside eyes to help us evaluate the health and well-being of our church family.

One of the first things he noticed, which has been pretty apparent, is that for some years now we have been plateaued in numerical growth.  Each year we are having the privilege of baptizing new believers but barely enough to keep up with those leaving us because they have moved away or simply fallen away.  One positive thing brother John noted was that our giving continues to be strong, which is a testimony to the faithfulness of the core of our church family.  The two hours went by quickly, but I came away with three action points on which I want to try to follow up on.

First, we need to better define what we are aiming for so we can figure out how best to accomplish it; then evaluate if we are indeed moving toward the goal.  For example, he took our mission statement, "We are going to (first of all be) make disciples who live holy lives and love others sacrificially," and he asked me what that meant.  What does a disciple who lives a holy life look like?  What does it look like to love others sacrificially?  How are we making disciples?  How are we attempting to reach our goal?  How do we know we have?  Is there any way to measure if we've been successful?  I pushed back a bit-- in that we all know that it's hard to measure the character of a disciple-- and he agreed.  However, he did suggest there are things we can do to help in the "being part," and they are related to "knowing and doing."

Nathan and I recently had a conversation, in part, about this very thing; that is, what are some things we do as a church that we consider indispensable?  What will we continue to staff and support because we believe they are essential to our making disciples?  For example, we believe Sunday school is one of those ministry essentials to making disciples, and so is our Wednesday mid-week gathering; but what are the others?  In talking with Dr. Ewart yesterday, I believe the leadership of our church needs to clearly answer some of these questions.

Second, we need to bring our leaders together as a team to work precisely and concisely to this end.  By leaders I mean our elders and all those who lead our ministry teams.  In days gone by they were often called the "church council.”   As I listened, I recognized with conviction that our leaders should be getting together often.  Dr. Ewart recommended that church leaders get together once a month on a Sunday afternoon, to communicate, to plan, to evaluate and to pray.  Again, we recently did this and the feedback was, “We need to do this more often.”

Finally, we need to develop and implement ongoing means of reaching out into the community.  We do so well at welcoming those who come, but what are we doing to reach out?  I know the best outreach is for us to personally and individually share our faith in Jesus and invite our friends and acquaintances to join us on a Sunday, but I also want us to do some "open door" events to help us reach out.  And when folks do take us up on our outreach event, what then?  How do we connect them to us that we might have a chance to connect them to Jesus, the One they truly need?  I believe I know the answer to that question; I'm just not sure I'm a gifted enough leader to help us get there.  Hopefully together we can.

What can all of us do?  Like I said yesterday, pray!  Let's be like Jesus and talk with God about this.  Let's ask Him to empower us, to use us, to exalt Himself in us.  After praying, submit yourself to God.  Be willing to inconvenience yourself for God's Kingdom.  Be willing to submit your will and your desires to Him.  If you are a ministry leader, serve by leading with humility and excellence.  If you are a member, be a minister.  Be a servant.  Be willing to change and give yourself to serve Christ by serving others.    As one of our pastor/elders, I know our desire for our church family is that we might exalt Christ and be as effective as possible.  Let's ask God to help us do that!

From my heart,
Pastor Jimmy