The Infrastructure of Marriage: Ten Pillars that Support Marriage in the Storms of Life

In 1906 a 7.6 magnitude earthquake hit San Francisco when the San Andreas Fault buckled under extreme pressure.  More than ¾ of the buildings were destroyed.

In February of 2010 Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive estimated that 250,000 residences and 30,000 commercial buildings collapsed or were severely damaged when the Haiti earthquake devastated their land.

The magnitude 7.8 earthquake that hit Nepal last month pulverized homes and historic buildings.  

Collapsed buildings caused about three-quarters of all earthquake fatalities during the 20th century and they continue to post the most serious earthquake risk in most cities, according to the 2001 Global Earthquake Safety Initiative report.

Here’s the point; when the land underneath you begins to shake, it’s the infrastructure of a building that will keep it from collapsing.  Jesus once told a story about two men who built two houses; one built on the sand, the other on a rock and when the storm hit the one home on the rock survived and the other collapsed.

Not to be too melodramatic, or too metaphorical, but every marriage will be accosted by storms; Every marriage will be hit by an earthquake, a hurricane, even a tornado. It is the infrastructure that will keep that marriage standing through the storm.  I'm going to suggest that there are at least ten pillars that give structure and support to marriage; ten pillars that will sustain a marriage when pressure comes.  And unfortunately, pressure will always come. 

PILLAR #1 - MARRIAGE IS A GOD THING!

Here’s what I mean by that.  Marriage is the creation and gift of God.  It’s not a man made institution. 

Gen. 2:21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones,
 And flesh of my flesh;
 She shall be called Woman,
 Because she was taken out of Man.”

God saw that it was NOT good for man to be alone so He created woman from man. God fashion Eve for Adam.  Marriage is a God thing!

Max Lucado expressed that this way: “God created marriage.  No government or subcommittee envisioned it.  No social organization developed it.  Marriage was conceived and born in the mind of God.”

Why is this my starting structural pillar?  This is the foundation!  Because if marriage is the brain child and gift of God, then He alone has the right to define the rest of its structure.

PILLAR #2 - MARRIAGE IS A COMPLEMENTARIAN THING!

God created us male and female thus marriage was created complementarian;

Gen. 1:27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28 God blessed them;

In case you didn’t notice, men and women were made by God to compliment each other.  They compliment each other sexually, which is the most obvious, but they compliment each other in other ways as well—especially as it relates to raising children.  Kids need a dad and a mom because both genders bring things to the kids that they need.  Even secular social scientist are acknowledging this truth.

God fashioned Eve to be a helpmate for Adam, and I would say he made Adam to be her helpmate as well.  Marriage as God designed it is complimentary; this has always been God’s structure for marriage.

Thus two men cannot marry; two women cannot marry for they are not complimentarian.  Whatever two men or two women may call their relationship, it is not marriage.

PILLAR #3 - MARRIAGE IS A BINARY THING!

God did not create marriage truples or marriage quadruples.  He didn’t create marriages of one husband and multiple wives and just because men in years gone by corrupted what God created doesn’t erase that truth.  Marriage was between two people—it was binary—not polygamous.

Gen. 2:24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

I believe there is coming a day in the not so distant future when the definition of marriage will be expanded to include more than just two—but as I said just a moment ago—whatever you call a truple or any other polyamory relationship, it is not marriage.  Marriage is binary and complementarian.

PILLAR #4 - MARRIAGE IS A COMPLETION THING!

A man and A woman will join in marriage and they shall become ONE flesh.  That is a mystery but God says that when a man and woman marry, there is completion that takes place where the two become one.

As God recognizes from the start—its not good for man to be alone—he needs a partner—he needs one to complete him.

Man’s aloneness didn’t take God by surprise.  In His creative process, God from the beginning was planning on creating man in his image as male and female to complete one another in marriage.  Why didn’t he just make us that way from the start?  Why make Adam wait?  Why make Eve from Adam?  The obvious answer is to teach us.  To teach us at least one of the purposes of marriage; to complete us; to partner us; to companion us in this walk of life. 

I have to say something to the singles here—To some God gives the gift of singleness.  However this "completion" thing works, Jesus is able to complete us in Himself.  I believe we can all say that Jesus completes us spiritually.  But so many singles I know don’t want to be single.  They long for the person who will be "one" with them.  I understand that desire—I had it for seven years before marrying.  If you find yourself wanting to be married, wanting to be "one" with another person, trust God until that person comes along.  Let Jesus meet that need with Himself.  Don’t marry just to marry as many have discovered, it's better to be single than to be married to the wrong person.

PILLAR #5 - MARRIAGE IS A FRUITFUL THING!

Gen 1:28 God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” 

Marriage was always meant to be God’s means of filling the earth with people.  One of the clear and compelling purposes of marriage is the procreation of children.  God desired that in the safety and nurture of a loving marriage, children would be raised to know Him and love Him.

Malachi 2:15 says, "Didn’t God create you to become like one person with your wife? And why did he do this? It was so you would have children, and then lead them to become God’s people."

In Jeremiah 29, when Israel will be uprooted from their homeland and taken in exile, God says, “I want you to keep having children and grandchildren.  Don’t stop having kids.”

Children are a blessing from the Lord.  Yes marriage is about the couple, the two of you, but it’s not just exclusively about the two of you.  It’s also about the children. 

PILLAR #6 - MARRIAGE IS A PERMANENT THING!

Jesus was once asked about divorce.  The growing prominence of the “for any reason" divorce teaching triggered the question:  “Is it ok to divorce for any cause?”

Jesus answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Marriage was always meant to be a permanent relationship.  Jesus adds the words, “What God joins together, let not man separate.” 

Malachi 2:16 For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel.  The author of marriage says He hates divorce.  Divorce was never meant to be a part of His plan.  If I had to guess, one of the reasons God hates divorce is because of what it does to the children.

The religious leaders of Jesus day then asked him, “Then why did Moses give us divorce?”  Jesus’ answer was 'because of the sinfulness of man.'  Divorce came about because of our sinfulness, our fallenness; it was never in the perfect plan of God.

PILLAR #7 - MARRIAGE IS A TEMPORARY THING!

Whoa you say! You just said it was permanent.  It is permanent in this life but it comes to an end with death.  Thus we always say at a wedding ceremony, “Until death do us part.”  In Romans 7 Paul says that at death people are released from the vows of marriage.

In an exchange with Jesus, the Sadducees are trying to make Jesus look a bit ignorant when they set up this situation where, according to the OT Levitical law, a woman marries seven brothers.  They ask, whose wife will she be in the resurrection? 

Luke 20:34-35 - Jesus said to them, “The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage.

With our death our permanent marriages in this life will end.  Some of you are saying “Hallelujah!”  Just kidding!  Did you know that the University of Chicago conducts a yearly survey asking married couples if they are "very happy, pretty happy or not happy" and every year consistently, 97% of marriages are "pretty happy to very happy!"  That should be an encouragement to us.

Marriage is temporary, for this life only.  It is not eternal as some assert.

PILLAR #8 - MARRIAGE IS AN INTIMATE THING!

If we go back to the creation of Adam and Eve we read; Gen. 2: 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Marriage was from the beginning always meant to be the place for physical intimacy.  And that intimacy is what leads to the procreation of children; we’ve already noted that marriage is to be a fruitful thing.

But God would definitely want us to know that physical intimacy isn’t just about having kids.  The Song of Solomon was not allowed to be read by Jewish men until they were married or in their 20’s.  It’s a book about the sexual intimacy between King Solomon and his Shunamite wife.  Here's a rather tame passage from that book: 

SOS 4:9 My bride, my very own,
 you have stolen my heart!
 With one glance from your eyes
and the glow of your necklace,
 you have stolen my heart.  10 Your love is sweeter than wine; 
the smell of your perfume
 is more fragrant than spices. 11 Your lips are a honeycomb;
 milk and honey
 flow from your tongue.
  Your dress has the aroma
 of cedar trees from Lebanon. 12 My bride, my very own,
 you are a garden,
 a fountain
 closed off to all others.

In the New Testament, the apostle Paul speaks of physical intimacy as the culmination or the expression of becoming “one flesh.” But I’m going to interject here that marriage is NOT just to be a place of physical intimacy—it’s definitely that-- but it is also to be a place of emotional intimacy as well.

What exactly is emotional intimacy? Someone once defined it as "INTIMACY—INTO ME  SEE!"  Emotional intimacy is trust and communication between you and your spouse that allows you both to share your innermost selves.  Emotional intimacy is when we feel wholly accepted, respected, and trusted in the eyes of our mates so that we share our innermost feelings, struggles and failures.

In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes eloquently about emotional intimacy; "We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhuman when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

Notice Solomon says, “a garden, a fountain, closed off to all others.”  Intimacy can only flourish in exclusivity.   Solomon didn’t live that but that doesn’t take away from him expressing what was true.  Thus God says He will judge those who are unfaithful in marriage.  Adultery is a grievous sin. 

PILLAR #9 - MARRIAGE IS A LOVE THING!

Love is one of the most misunderstood words today. I often hear people say they don’t love their spouse anymore. I know what they mean by that—the feeling of love has gone.  I don’t want to minimize that; in fact I’ll suggest the intimacy I was talking about earlier is related to those “in love” feelings.  Nothing will keep that “in love” feeling alive more than conveying value to one another and when you give and serve one another because you love them you are adding fuel to the “lovey dovey feelings” and that’s a good thing!

But as important as the feeling of love is, love is so much more than a feeling. Love is a decision – it is an act of our will to prefer one another as more important than ourselves even when feelings are NOT there.

Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage says, “In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Marriage is a love thing but love is much more than a feeling thing.  Here’s what love is:  1 Cor.13:4 Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. 5 It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs.  6 Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. 7 It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up.

Western culture tells us that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love.  That is why there are so many divorces—people stop feeling loving feelings so they stop acting with mutual sacrifice for one another.  Their actions are feeling driven.  The Bible says your actions drive your feelings.  Act with mutual love and sacrifice; feelings will always follow.

Detrick Bonheoffer said, “It is not love that will sustain the marriage; it is the marriage that will sustain the love.” 

Your emotions can’t be commanded—can’t be dictated--but your actions can.  If we will act in mutual love and sacrifice for each other, our feelings will always follow.

PILLAR #10 - MARRIAGE IS A MODELED THING!

In Ephesians 5 Paul tells us that when he speaks of marriage, it has been modeled for us in God’s relationship with the church.

Eph. 5:28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 

Specifically Paul says that Christ's love for us models for us the kind of love a husband is to have for his wife.  I don’t believe I am contradicting God’s Word when I say that is the kind of love a wife is to have for her husband as well.  We  are to love each other as Christ loved us.  And how did Jesus love us?  He gave His all for you—He sacrificed himself preferring you and me over himself.

One more time listen to Tim Keller:  "We must say to ourselves something like this: 'Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think "I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me." No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He said, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing." He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse.' Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.”

Jesus modeled for us the sacrificial love that marriage demands.  He modeled for us what it means to love.

I'm sure more could be said about the infrastructure that builds up and holds a marriage in tact.  The truth is, the heart and flesh of a marriage is found in the every day living out these things and more in a practical way.  But maybe something in this post has challenged your heart.

If you’ve thought of redefining marriage in light of the cultural shift going on today.  Please don’t.

More pointedly in your personal life, maybe you’ve giving up on your marriage.  Maybe you’ve stopped loving, stopped investing, choosing instead just to endure or you are planning and hoping to leave.  Will you decide today to change that?  Will you choose instead to let God shore up your marriage infrastructure?