Getting Better at Marriage

You may not know it, but there is a tension between length of tenure and effectiveness.  It's a tension that can be found in most areas of life, but definitely in marriage and ministry.  The tension is this--the longer you do something the better you may become, the more effective you might be.  However, at the same time there is the possibility that the longer you do something, the more stale and passive you might become, making you even less effective.  Let me talk about that tension in marriage.

The single greatest benefit of a long marriage is the knowledge you acquire of the spouse you are committed to.  Let's face it, when you marry you only think you know the person you are committing to.  Granted, some of you spent years dating before you walked into your marriage, and I recognize that you knew each other better than Anne and I did after just three months of courting, but there isn't a married person I know who won't admit that their knowledge of the one they married was so limited compared to what they discovered in the next decade or two of walking through life together.  In mine and Anne's case, we were extremely different people than we thought we were marrying, and that made for a great deal of misunderstanding and tension in the early years of marriage.  But now, three decades later, we have a much deeper understanding of who each of us is; and that knowledge can be the key to making our marriage better.

On the other hand, length of marriage can also be a detriment.  We tend to fall into ruts of apathy and indifference if we are not careful.  The excitement and newness of marriage wears off, and the passing of time can lead us into passivity, detachment and even unresponsiveness to one another.  With time we will change, and if we are not intentional, we may move away from our spouse.  I think it was Tim Keller who suggested that if you don't like who you are married to now, just wait--you will be married to seven different people in your lifetime!  He was talking about how we all tend to change over time; so as we do, we need to be careful not to drift apart.

So, there is the tension to which I was referring to--with length of marriage we know each other better, which can be a really good thing; but at the same time, the longer we are married the more opportunity we have to drift toward indifference and apathy.  That is not so good.  So, let me give you three suggestions to help your marriage flourish and not whither.

Embrace this truth: marriage is not automatic, it takes work.  I can remember in my pre-married days how easy I thought living in holy matrimony would be.  Our premarital counselor told us we'd have problems, but we literally laughed at him; what did he know!  Thirty years later I can tell you unequivocally that marriage is hard work.  It takes sacrifice and surrender, and you must exchange your vows with that mindset.  To you not-yet-marrieds and newlyweds I'd say, "Remember I've been a newlywed; you've not been married thirty years.  Listen to me!"  Go into your marriage knowing that unless you are willing to invest and to sacrifice, your marriage is probably doomed to failure before you even begin.  It's true that some people may make marriage look easy, and indeed, maybe it has been easier for them, but that is not the case most of the time.  Accept this axiom of marriage: Marriage takes work and both spouses must labor at it to make it good!

Use the knowledge you gain with the passing years to serve one another.   What's the benefit of a long marriage?  You get to know one another better.  With the passing months and years, you know more specifically and more clearly what blesses and what hurts your spouse, but what good is knowledge without application?  So the operative challenge here is to use your growing understanding to serve one another.  The reality is that if you don't use your growing insights to bless each other, you will actually embitter your spouse.    Love always serves, and if we aren't serving, we aren't loving.  A successful marriage is built when two people are willing to prefer one another as more important than themselves and give themselves to one another unconditionally.  I'll make this declaration--every divorce can be traced back to the selfishness of one or both partners in a marriage.


Refuse to give up.   Every marriage stumbles.  As a pastor I've heard the stories of marriage pain, and rarely have I met a couple who never struggles.  But if you want your marriage to flourish, don't give up in the difficult times--fight for your marriage.   The studies are pretty clear that if couples will push through the difficult times, most will bounce back to a relationship that the couple themselves will say is happy or very happy.   Dietrich Bonhoeffer declared so well what I'm trying to say: "It is not your love that sustains your marriage, but your marriage that sustains your love.”

As the years pass under your marriage, may your marriage grow deeper, more fulfilling, and more satisfying.  Accept the challenge of hard work, and use your growing understanding of the one you love to serve each other better.  Do your best to never, ever give up.