Is your marriage the main thing? Three keys to help.

Last Saturday afternoon I officiated at my oldest son's wedding.  Truly it was a day of great joy, but honestly, it's rare that wedding days aren't chalked full of happiness and glee.  As I prepared to share with Caleb and Tami, I was reminded of two statements that I heard many years ago, and both of which made a profound impression on my heart.  I'll cover one in this post, and the other a bit later.

The first statement was shared by Dr. Jack Wilder in a message he preached years ago.  He made the remark, "The wedding is the first thing, but it's not the main thing.  The main thing is your marriage."  Here's what he meant.  The wedding is the first thing you do as a married couple, but it's not the main thing you should focus on to give you a good marriage.  In fact, I'd even suggest your wedding actually has nothing to do with the happiness, or lack thereof, in the marriage that follows.  You can have little or no wedding celebration at all and still have an incredibly happy marriage, while on the other hand you can spend a hundred thousand dollars--or more-- and be in a miserable marriage from the day you tie the knot.  If you believe the wedding is of paramount importance in marriage, you are sadly mistaken and you are heading for disillusionment.

I believe it was Stephen Covey who said that if you want to make changes in your life, "you must keep the main thing, the main thing."  If you want a happy marriage, you must keep the main thing the main thing and that's not the wedding.  It may be first, but it doesn't even register on the scale of what truly matters.  Don't misunderstand, I'm happy for every couple who has a joy-filled, fun and celebrative wedding.  I want all my children to have such a day, but the truth is the every day living together, the in and out of daily waking up, living, and going to sleep beside each other, is where the happiness of marriage is made.  It's not in that first party.

So what is the main thing in marriage?  If not the beginning celebration, what then?  Here it is--it's the daily choosing to love and serve and bless the one you married.  It's the day-to-day deciding to give yourself to please your partner and pour happiness and joy into his or her life.  It's finding out what blesses them and then choosing to give yourself to that end.  Stop for just a moment and think--what would it be like if I daily gave myself to serve my spouse and fill their heart with joy?  What would my marriage be like if I did that for them, and in turn they did that for me?  How incredible that marriage would be!

But herein lies the problem--we are all extremely selfish.  We want our time, our space, our desires; and giving it up for someone else regularly, even the one we married, is a hard thing.  Honestly, I don't think we fully realize how radically selfish we are until we enter into marriage.  Marriage brings it out!  Unfortunately, what happens way too often is one spouse starts living in selfishness much of the time; rarely, or in some cases, they never give themselves to serve and bless their spouse; and it doesn't take long for the other spouse to give up.  I say it doesn't take long, but some spouses will serve the other one for decades before they finally break and check out.  Unfortunately, as a pastor, I've seen it often--once a spouse breaks, it's hard to be restored.  So I want to offer several suggestions for all of us, especially if we find ourselves in the selfish marriage I've described.

1. If by God's grace you see yourself as the selfish spouse who isn't living to pour joy and blessing into the heart of your mate, CHANGE!  Turn from this path you are on, or your marriage will not make it.  Seriously.  How many times I've said to myself, I can twist this wire one more time or turn this screw just a bit more, only to have it break in the next instance and destroy what I'm working on.  Maybe you have been taking advantage of your husband for decades, taking him for granted and investing little in his heart.  Maybe you treat your wife as your personal servant without any regard for her heart.  In both cases you think you are not hurting anything, only to find out your selfishness went a day too far.  [If you are the selfish one, don't go and say you are sorry--save it for a different day.]  Instead, begin to serve your wife.  Pour into her heart to meet her needs and make her feel loved.  Choose to give yourself to bless your husband.  Make him wonder what happened to the wife that never seemed to care about his heart.  When they notice the change, THEN seek their forgiveness.  Then confess your selfishness.

2. If you are the spouse who is being neglected at the altar of your spouse's selfishness, let me encourage you to not follow suit.  I promise you this--if you decide you will stop investing and believe you can both simply learn to selfishly coexist, you are wrong.  You will only grow further and further apart--no marriage stays put when no investments are made.  Like a motor-less boat on a flowing river, you will always float downstream.

3.  Stop going down the path you are on.  Just recently I took a wrong turn.  I knew it was a wrong turn but I kept driving anyway--there was no way out.  It was a dead end and eventually I had to turn around.  When I finally did, I kept kicking myself for not turning around sooner.  For some of you it's time to turn around and go a different direction in your marriage.  Here's what that means.  If you've never had a serious conversation with your spouse, and you are the recipient of unbridled selfishness, it's time to confront the one you love.  It's time to tell him or her how you feel--how you are hurting.   I know that feels scary, but do it!   If you've confronted them often, and nothing ever changes, it's time to get some help.  Don't be frightened of getting help.  If you are a Christ-follower, talk to one of your pastors.  If you aren't, there are many marriage counselors out there who can help.  Regardless, it's time to roll up your sleeves and take this to the next level.

I realize this post is a bit simplistic.  Your marriage may be much more complicated than what I've described.  Tim Keller once said, “Marriage is glorious but hard.  It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it's blood, sweat and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories."  Marriage isn't easy, but it was always meant to be a blessing.  If we will keep serving one another as the main thing--if we will keep blessing one another as the daily thing--then our marriages will be magnets that draw all those around us to want to know why.  Make serving one another in marriage the main thing.